- Dog Problems
My life goes according to whichever cycle I'm in. I think this happens to other people too? Let me explain. Here's an example: So I have a teammate here who I'm not especially close with all the time. We have our moments, actually seasons. Haha. I'm serious though. All through summer and throughout the rest of the year we don't really hang out or talk much. But as soon as we are about halfway through the softball season we find ourselves drawn to each other. It's a strange process now that I think about it.
Anyways, this is true of other aspects of my life as well. More specifically when it comes to the romance department, or lack of. Haha. What I'm trying to get at is I will go through stages of desire. And they are generally long and drawn out. I think I have had yet to have a genuine relationship. I mean, it's always genuine on my end but I can't say the same for the other end. Okay, I take that back, I can think of three incidents where I was being just plain greedy. So at what point am I now? Well, I'm re-realizing that seeking anyone out is pointless. My feeble attempts are always weird and awkward. Whoops, sorry I don't know how to let someone know I'm interested because well, guys have always come to me. That was of course because we had always had that safety net of school in common and got to know each other through that. But now in the real world, and college, things are different. At least for me, since I'm pretty shy and I will admit not the most confident and secure person in the world.
My only college boyfriend was a joke. Gay of course. I knew. Let's just say that was one of my greedy moments. For the longest time I was in the longing stage. All I wanted was for someone to want me, to want to be with me and let me be with them too. So desperate for someone that anyone would do. I'm not even talking about sex, all I wanted was the companionship. My second "college" boyfriend: long distance. That of course didn't work out for long. I don't feel like going into detail. But I was tore up for a while. I walked around like a zombie for at least 2 weeks until I snapped my ass out of it. I've had random ex-boyfriends back in my life since them for short periods of time. But if it didn't work out the first time, how could it ever a second? or a forth or fifth for that matter. So those are always lost causes. Then there are always those guy friends that express interest and either I'm just not interesting in taking things further or they just never follow through with hanging out to find out if maybe something could be there.
I'm at the point now where I'm just tired of the same old shit. Whether it's old guys trying to make way back in or ones that never follow through or are just trying to play me. Yea I miss the intimacy and knowing that I have someone. I miss that everyday. But what can I do? I'm no longer going to allow myself to settle for just whoever is around, which is far and few. Being alone allows me to not have to worry about pleasing anyone else but myself. I can focus on things that I want to accomplish without having to worry about dedicating myself to someone else as well. I think I can learn to be happy by living through those around me.
I guess what I was trying to say was that I'm at the point where I've just given up and just don't give a shit anymore. For now at least.
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